- I think I was born afraid. Fear has challenged almost every aspect of my life. It haunts my every action, questions my every motive, and tugs at my sleeve to pull away when things get up close and personal. I always plan 10 steps ahead to give myself room to adapt and change course should any sign of danger or discomfort arise. The only problem is that it's inevitable and impossible to avoid vulnerability, people, or places of judgment. It's everywhere and can come from any direction and at any time.
Especially when I decide to go paint. There is always a moment of doubt right before I start. I can sense the anxiety and the desire to run away kick in when I approach the easel. I wonder if this will be the time that I truly f**k up. That I spill the paint over all my hard work. That I forget the steps or can't seem to get the right colors--Or that the composition is off and I have to restart--That I'll spend all this time and energy on a piece only to look at it and hate it. The voices--These insecurities, these deceptions, these fears. They've always been there, and unfortunately most likely will always be there... But it doesn't stop me. I'm not afraid to be afraid. I don't always know what I'm doing but I do know some things. Enough to start. Just enough to try.
My brain wasn't designed to make me happy. It was designed to keep me alive, safe and comfortable. In the studio, I hear my brain but I also hear another voice.
My heart tells me a different story. It reveals the mask of fear and peels it back allowing a light to shine through. It wants to push me to become what I've always wanted to be. It wants to guide me to explore new spaces within my soul and to connect those places with the outside world. To find a way to merge human nature with global nature. To show that we are all connected, even if most folks don't act like it. It tells me to paint even when I'm afraid. Just one brush stroke at a time. And eventually I stand back from the canvas and see the work I put in and I think to myself, "How on earth did I do that?" And I'll tell you how--It's because I trusted my heart and my gut, and they always seem to know what I need and want most. -